Forgiving Tess Page 5

  Josh nodded as disappointment filled him. “Can we still talk? And maybe you could come back, or I could…come and spend time with you?” His nervousness was apparent, but he didn’t care. “It would help us decide if there’s anything between us.”

  Tess smiled and shook her head even as she leaned into him, her warmth making his arm tingle. “I…can’t. I shouldn’t.” She turned so she could gently kiss his cheek. “It would only hurt you, Jed. I’m sorry.”

  The spot on his cheek burned where she’d kissed him, and Josh was as sorry as he’d ever been about anything.

  ~*~

  Tess wanted to tell Josh the truth but something deep inside held her back. What purpose would it serve to ruin the fun they’d been having? She wished he could simply enjoy their time and not force something that could never be. But even as she separated herself from him and stood, it was clear the conversation wasn’t over. It wasn’t fair of her to drop him with no explanation when all signs during their time together pointed to a relationship beyond a mission trip or ministry.

  Josh jumped up and followed her to the edge of the water. “Hey…” He took her arm and gently turned her, so she was focused on him. “Tell me what you mean.”

  Tess’s shoulders dropped, and the air escaped her lungs. “I’m not…a good girl. I’ve…my family is ashamed of me. Justifiably ashamed. There aren’t many people at home who trust me…even if I am working on that.” She understood that it was time even as she prayed for deliverance from what she was about to do. “You can’t get mixed up with me. Not right now, when no one trusts yet that I’ve changed. The timing is bad and…”

  Josh continued studying her face as if the secrets were there for him to discover.

  But Tess buried them deep inside her, pushing it all further down into her soul so nothing would be found by him or anyone else. Tess hated apologizing, but she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m sorry,” she said again, the words practically choking her.

  “What are you apologizing for?” Josh asked gently. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I only want a chance to figure out what this thing is…” Josh put his hands on her shoulders and met her eyes. “Is your past in the past?”

  Tess nodded firmly. “Yes.” She could hardly believe it when Josh moved his large hand to cup her cheek.

  “What are we talking about? You’ve already been forgiven.” Josh stared at her, and all the love Tess had felt for him since the day they met was reflected now in his deep blue eyes.

  “I really want to kiss you,” he whispered. “But things are going so fast…”

  Tess’s stomach jumped. She wanted to kiss him too, but it would make things worse. She swallowed, not sure what to say, glad when Josh saved her the question by nervously running his fingers through his hair as he stepped away from her.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t assume…”

  “No…” Tess didn’t want him to apologize for liking the woman she’d become after all the work she’d done to make it happen. “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered. “But, Josh…I’m not…a good girl, a church girl. I’m…tainted, I’m struggling to move past what I was and…a man like you…” She laughed. “A pastor. It’s ridiculous…”

  The concern slid from Josh’s face, transforming into a lopsided smile. “You’re not a church girl?” he stepped closer and took her hand, tugging her to walk with him as he continued. “You don’t attend a church and you aren’t here to help rebuild a youth center? You didn’t admit to me five minutes ago that you were bad at memorizing scripture—which means you try to memorize scripture?” He chuckled. “Didn’t you say you’re always praying?”

  Annoyed, Tess shook her head. “You know what I mean…” She turned from him slightly, frustrated that he didn’t comprehend what she was talking about and yet he was willing to ignore her problems all together. “I’ve done things that…church girls don’t do.”

  “I think that’s a warped vision of what church is for, Tess,” he said. “Isn’t it for the sick, hurting, and lost? And aren’t we all in that category, if we’re really honest?”

  Tess groaned, wishing she could shake him into understanding. “You’re being difficult.”

  “So are you.” Josh pulled his hand away, pretending to be angry with her.

  “I’m not a good girl, Jed!” Tess wailed, throwing her hands into the air.

  Again, Josh laughed, this time loudly. “You weren’t ever a good girl, Tornado.”

  Tess was shocked he would be so blunt. “What?” she asked weakly as her heart slid down to her toes. Stu likely told him the truth, or worse, he’d lied and her father…

  Josh’s head tipped to the side as he looked down at her. “You were always grounded for something—breaking a window, being somewhere you weren’t supposed to be, ruining my prom date…” He paused. “You live in the moment. That doesn’t make you a bad person. If you’ve made some choices you aren’t proud of, well, welcome to life. I make mistakes all the time.” Josh brushed a piece of hair away from Tess’s face before resting his hand on her shoulder. “But right now—what I’ve witnessed this week, tells me who you are. I’m not interested in digging up your sins unless you think we need to talk about them because they might impact the possibility of a future for us.”

  Tess met his gaze, her head still spinning at the ease with which he accepted her admission. Maybe she was being too hard on herself. Maybe she should drop it. Even if everyone else supposed she was on a one-way ride to hell. She shook her head, still wishing there was nothing to tell, nothing to admit. “Jed.”

  Josh smiled. “I’m not playing games. And there’s no guarantee this will all amount to anything once we go back to our lives.”

  Tess could hardly think since Josh was still touching her. All the memories of her family laughing at her and how ‘cute’ her infatuation with him was still filling her mind. She wished they could see her now.

  “Listen. I deliberately didn’t get involved with anyone because I wasn’t sure how a pastor is supposed to maintain a life outside of the church. I mean, if I mess up, everyone will find out, right? But with you being far away, we can talk, get acquainted again and find out if there’s anything there to pursue. And if so, well, we’ll figure that out later.”

  And of course, Tess maintained silently, there was the added benefit of Josh continuing to be kept in the dark about who she really was. Neither her family nor his, or his congregation, should be dragged into the muck of her life before it was time. And when it was…Tess shoved that notion aside. If this moment was all she ever spent with Josh, it would be enough. She smiled at him and nodded. “Let’s see where it goes,” she said. “One day at a time.”

  “Right. One day at a time.”

  ~*~

  Josh drove pensively, taking the long way back to the bunkhouse so he could keep Tess with him longer. He wondered what her brother would say about all of this. Part of him was relieved Brody was in Pennsylvania and couldn’t punch his lights out. Although, if he was being honest, he didn’t care. He’d endure any pain thrown his way if it meant he got to be with Tess in the end.

  Josh slowly steered the motorcycle into the parking lot near the bunkhouse. He stood, lifting his helmet off, only slightly worried that the long drive was giving Tess time to come up with another excuse to push him away.

  She removed her helmet and stood, stepping off the bike and closer to him. “Well, pastor,” she said, handing him her helmet. “I guess there’s only one thing left to say.”

  Josh grinned, waiting. “Yeah? What’s that?”

  Tess raised an eyebrow. “I’d say you’ve been warned.” She started walking toward the bunkhouse. “Thanks for dinner!” she tossed the comment over her shoulder as an afterthought as if she wasn’t at all impressed by him.

  “You’re welcome…and I can handle it,” he said loudly, causing her to turn and glance at him.

  Her smile wavered. “You’re sure?”

  Josh walked closer to her and nodded.
“Oh, I’m sure.”

  “Well, Jed, I guess it’s game on.”

  He nudged her playfully. “So it is.”

  Tess nodded. “So, I’ll catch you at breakfast.”

  Josh stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’m counting on it.”

  Tess went inside.

  Josh smiled, certain his last day with Tess would be the best he’d ever had.

  6

  Hear instruction, and be wise, and refuse it not.

  Proverbs 8:33

  Josh woke early the next morning and jumped into the shower, his mind consumed by Tess and her response to him the previous evening. He’d been surprised that whatever she’d been through in the last few years appeared to be enough to make her hold back from getting too close to him. He was relieved he’d convinced her otherwise, though he was incredibly curious about the details. While he was sure it would come out eventually, he also believed that whatever the problem was made Tess unnecessarily upset. She had a past. So what?

  None of it could be a real problem. Tess was a bit rambunctious growing up but people matured, and it appeared to Josh she’d done exactly that. Besides, the physical distance between them would be perfect for him to get her comfortable enough to tell him what was on her mind, without the distraction of physical intimacy and the drama of his church family or hers being involved.

  As he brushed his shaggy hair and ran his fingers through it to make himself presentable, he wondered if he might try again to call Brody—not to tell him about the situation with Tess, but to find out if some of her reservations might naturally come out through the person she was closest to—besides Stu.

  Josh sat heavily on his small couch and tried to pray, but something about the situation continued to nag him. Was he pushing forward too fast? It was only a long-distance relationship. Surely, he was doing the right thing since he’d have time and distance on his side. Before he could answer his own questions, the phone rang. Without opening his eyes he pressed it to his ear. “This is Pastor Thorne…” he said, leaning his head back against the wall. A faint chuckle caught his attention

  The deep and familiar voice said, “That sounds like an oxymoron. Still can’t believe the guy who filled my locker with shaving cream is a pastor. The church must really be in trouble.”

  Josh’s eyes flew open and he grinned. “I think I’m talking to the moron,” he said. “How’s it going, Brody?”

  “Are Stu and Tess behaving?”

  Josh continued smiling as he remembered his good friend. It didn’t matter that they’d not spoken in years. It was as if no time at all passed between them. Josh was quickly taken back to the makeshift softball field behind the Carson home where he, Brody, Tess, and even Josh’s know-it-all sister, Caroline, spent many hours hitting and fielding balls.

  “They’ve been quite a help actually. The workload is light today, so maybe we’ll do something fun as thanks after all of the hard work.”

  Brody grunted. “Don’t give Tess too much fun or you’ll be stuck cleaning up the mess.”

  Something in Brody’s voice caught Josh’s attention but he wasn’t sure how to ask what his friend meant. Instead he laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind. So, what’s going on?”

  “Well, my dad said he talked to you yesterday and he got the wild idea that you were interested in my troubled sister…and not just for her construction skills.”

  Josh’s stomach fluttered. “What gave him that idea?”

  “He said a father knows. So, are you interested in her?”

  Josh swallowed, surprised, but not shocked by his friend’s direct question. “I, um, guess I’m not really sure. She’s nice and this week was fun, but it’s a bit fast to…”

  Brody interrupted his stammering. “You won’t hurt me,” he said. “There isn’t an easy way to say it but she’s been in a whole lot of trouble the last few years. I mean, she’s getting better—the church thing seems legitimate, but it’s a little soon to call it a complete transformation.”

  Josh let his words sink in. Trouble? Transformation? Although Tess was trying to tell him something the previous night, Josh didn’t want to consider it. Maybe he’d been too quick to squelch her confession. Then again, he’d observed enough over the week to be sure that her actions revealed her as a caring, hard-working, and fun woman. “Hey, whatever she did is in the past. I believe that, and I think you should too,” Josh said.

  “Wait. You don’t know?” Shock was apparent in Brody’s response.

  Josh wondered what that meant, and yet he’d always been one to take the easier road when possible. He was having fun, but their time together was too short. Hearing about Tess’s past when she would soon be leaving and already showed her true spirit to him seemed an exercise in pain he didn’t want to endure. Josh ran his fingers through his hair. “She tried to tell me, but I told her it didn’t matter, and I believe that, Brody. The person she is now is amazing, fun, helpful, and growing in her faith. What more is there?” The long pause on the other end of the phone told Josh there might actually be something else to this quandary he was in. Regardless, he pressed on. “Don’t worry. She isn’t hiding anything,” he said.

  Brody snorted. “Watch yourself,” he continued, sounding reluctant to go on. “She’s not an innocent little girl anymore. I’d hate for you to get hurt.”

  “I appreciate that, but we’re adults. We got this.”

  Brody paused again. “All right. So, when will you get back up here? We miss you. I mean, I don’t but my parents go on and on…”

  Josh laughed and settled back into the couch. “I’m committed here for a little while longer at least, but…” he paused for a long moment realizing his next words might mean a commitment he’d never considered making. “…I’m open to whatever God has for me after that.”

  “Well, whatever happens between you and that sister of mine, remember that we’d love to get you back home where I can kick your butt on the court or field anytime I want.”

  It was Josh’s turn to snort with laughter. “I’ll remember that,” he said. “But I’m glad you already think Maple Ridge is the only place I’ve always thought of as my home. Man, it’s good to talk to you.”

  “Same here.”

  The men talked for several more minutes before Brody had to go.

  Josh hung up and set his phone aside, bowing his head and praying for guidance. He prayed it wasn’t too late to stop being blinded by his feelings and be completely open to the truth of whatever was going on with Tess Carson.

  ~*~

  Tess sat across from Morgan, her plate loaded with a breakfast that smelled so wonderful her stomach was having its own conversation with the food.

  “Hungry?” Morgan asked, amused. She bit into a muffin as Tess grinned and nodded.

  “Starving. All this hard work every day has me eating too much,” she said, glancing around. “Where’s Uncle Stu?”

  Morgan shrugged. “No idea.” She smiled. “So…we didn’t get to talk last night with the two eavesdroppers sitting there…what happened? How was your date?”

  Tess laid awake for a long time after Josh dropped her off, unsure how much—if anything—she should tell anyone about what happened since she herself wasn’t even clear on it. She shrugged. “We went for a ride.”

  Morgan raised an eyebrow as she set her coffee cup aside. “And? Did he kiss you? Come on, Tess. I can’t live vicariously through you if you don’t tell me anything.”

  Tess chuckled and shook her head. “Of course, he didn’t kiss me,” she whispered.

  “Liar.”

  “He didn’t. Said he had too much respect for me. He didn’t want to resort to physical stuff when we hadn’t even really talked. It was kind of strange.” Tess paused as she took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. “I mean, to be treated like that—as if he actually cared about me—I don’t think a man has ever been so sweet to me.”

  Uncle Stu arrived with a full plate and sat next to Morgan. He glanced between the two wome
n and sighed dramatically. “Dare I ask what you two are up to?”

  Tess smiled at her uncle, hoping she could fool him, realizing the chances were slim. When her own parents didn’t see what she was up to or what kind of trouble she was in, Uncle Stu always put it together. “We’re enjoying this delicious breakfast, Uncle Stu,” she said, averting her eyes as she stirred her coffee.

  Stu cleared his throat. “Where’s your boyfriend?” He dug into his meal before Tess could respond.

  Morgan giggled.

  Tess flashed a warning with her eyes. “Where’s your girlfriend?” Tess asked.

  Stu swallowed and shook his head. “You can’t meet her yet, Mouthy—and you never will if you keep that up.”

  Tess gawked.

  Morgan giggled again. “I’ll, um, leave you guys to it.” She stood. “Tess, I’ll catch you at the youth center.”

  Morgan was gone before Tess could even acknowledge her. “You’re dating? When did that happen?” she asked, dropping her fork. How had she missed such a thing? Uncle Stu was barely past fifty years old and while he was handsome and successful, he’d never married, despite often having some woman or other calling him. He’d always said he wasn’t interested in drama, so he didn’t need a woman in his life. What changed?

  “Eat your breakfast and tell me what’s going on with the pastor,” Stu said evasively. “The truth, please.”

  Stu continued eating. Clearly, he wasn’t troubled about what was going on. Of course, after the things she’d already done, dating a pastor was the least of his worries.

  “He talked to Brody and your dad.” Stu paused long enough to take a drink of coffee. “I imagine your mom’s already got the wedding plans started.”

  “What are you talking about?” Tess pushed her eggs around her plate before taking a sip of coffee, hoping it would calm her nerves. “Jed’s my friend.”

  “Your dad said he’s interested in something besides friendship. Said he could tell and he’s miles away.” He snorted. “Heck, I’m here and I can tell you he’s on to something.”